Come On, Seriously?!

Yes, yes, one of my New Year's Resolutions is to try and find more time to post.  I am not off to a strong start, but I still have the rest of this year to improve :-).

I have been spending a lot of time reading about food and the implementation of cleaner, less processed eating.  We as a family did not eat terribly comparatively to those we know, but we are a busy family and maybe twice a week we would serve pizza, corn dogs or dino chicken nuggets to the kids.  The rest of the days would be filled with tacos, spaghetti, casserole or whatever else we could quickly whip up.
Maybe it's just me getting older, but I feel like every time I open my ears I hear another terrible story of cancer or heart disease - or of someone losing a loved one.  This worries me.  In November of last year, I started on the crazy path to understanding food.  I have so much commute time on my hands, I thought I'd make it productive. One of my biggest fears is that by the time something bad happens, it will have been too late.

Just the day after my last post, I went in for my much dreaded lady doctor appointment.  I had been putting this off for a few months and finally they refused my refills until I got in there.  All I wanted was a refill on my birth control pills... 
At first the nurse thought the blood pressure cuff was broken. " How are you feeling" she asked.  "Fine - just like any other day."  So then she got a new one and took it again. "Were you particularly stressed to get here?  Did you have a chaotic morning?"  "Nope." And then she took it manually.   "Your blood pressure is way too high.  I'm not going to be able to write you a prescription and I need you to call your general doctor right away."  COME ON, SERIOUSLY??

After giving my husband the book, Eat To Live, lecturing my family on healthy habits and emptying our pantry of processed stuff, I was the one who had issues!  I went and saw my doctor and my blood pressure was 160/116.  I have real hypertension.  I have to be honest, I didn't take it as seriously as I should have when I first heard it.  It wasn't until I really listened and heard "This is not a question of will you have a stroke, it's when" that my attention was captured.

I went into work mode.  What are the stats, what causes this and of course, how do I fix this.  For the first time in my life I wanted the doctor to say "This is because you're fat" because that's an easy fix - and I'd be bathing suit ready - two birds with one stone.  But, he didn't.  He said that I wasn't that heavy, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I roller derby for crying out loud.  He thought there might be a problem with my artery - which is "an easy fix" and we scheduled a bunch of tests.  He sent me home with medication and literally benched me - literally.  No exertion. 

It's been about a month and I have been tracking my blood pressure several times a day and exporting data charts to my doctor.  The good news is that there is physically nothing wrong with me.  The bad news is that my blood pressure is really high Monday through Friday.  It's my job.  Or maybe it's just me.  I think that's the worst part of this whole thing.  Short of quitting a job I need or winning the lottery (yeah, I'm still a believer), I don't know how to fix this...

Until I find that golden answer, I'm on a second set of meds that have helped.  I'm hoping for my doctor to clear me for roller derby and I can focus on some exercise for a change.  I always thought old people or really heavy people had high blood pressure; I pulled that "It's not Me" card for the last time, that's for sure.  I do know I don't want to take these meds longer than I have to and if that means hitting this thing from all sides (diet, exercise, lifestyle), I'm in.  Don't even get me started on how hard it was to give up salt and coffee...that's post for another day.  Today I'm just happy I am alive and my family is healthy.  Baby steps...

Current Events

If you had not noticed, I took a break from writing these past few months. One reason amongst many is that I just couldn't find the few minutes to do so and when I did, it never seemed to be enough to convey what I was really feeling.  Work has been incredibly heavy and I just couldn't do one more thing.  Writing has always been an outlet for me, but the emotional roller coaster of the past few months has been more than I could expunge without a breather to gain some clarity.

One big change in our lives is that we let our Nanny of three years go.  This was incredibly hard for me - worse than any boyfriend/friend breakup I have ever had to do.  When I did it, she sobbed...hysterically.  She kept asking over and over if she'd done something because the end was so abrupt.  I only gave her one reason as to why we let her go and that was "for financial reasons."  I could not bear it if she tried to fight for a job I knew was gone for her.

We let our Nanny into our family and accepted as one of us - flaws and attributes.  I have never expected her to do things exactly as I would or even love my children as I would, but as a parent you know when something is not right - even if you cannot put your finger on it.  My gut told me it was time to make a change and to make it immediately.  In hindsight, I wish I would have done it sooner but it's done.  My kids are happy and healthy, so I know the experience was not necessarily a bad one for them. 

For the past few months, my husband and on occasion my mother-in-law have been watching the kids and it has been going well.  I'll venture out and even say it has been going great (for me at least).  A small miracle I never anticipated happening happened:  I stopped worrying all the time about what was going on at home and whether or not the kids were okay.  I had no idea how much anxiety I had over this until it was gone.  Even my husband won't do things exactly as I want, but I know he will genuinely love our kids and do his best to keep them safe.  He has a real investment in who they become, unlike a paid care provider.

The alleviation of the home anxiety has allowed for me to free myself of the mommy guilt I woke with daily.  I'm not saying I feel completely adequate all the time, because I don't but I do feel a great deal better than I have in the last 4+ years.  I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I don't hate my job.  I don't love it, but I don't loathe it like I did.

 The kids are all growing so fast.  My Big Girl is now 8 1/2, my Little Man is 6 1/2 and my little Itty-Bitty is not so itty anymore now that she just had her 3rd Birthday.  All the kids have quickly adjusted to not having the Nanny around - especially my spicy Big Girl who made it known she "never liked her in the first place."  Man, I love that kid for just laying it all out there.  I think it was tougher for my son who is incredibly loyal and my baby who still wants her shoes left out so the Nanny "can find them when we go to the park. "  Our kids need us to be there and I can already see the difference in their attitudes - in a good way.

I think I'm a better mom now than I was at the beginning of this year.  I still have things to work on, but I'm okay with this as long as there is progress. My goal this year was for things to be better and so far it has been.  I knew I wouldn't fix everything, but at least things are on the mend.  I'm never going to have enough time, the laundry will only all be done for 5 minutes (if I'm lucky) before the hamper begins to fill and I will inevitably forget to do something on a daily basis regardless of the crazy checklist I have.  I still want to quit by job, but at least for today I know if this doesn't happen, I'll be okay and so will the kids.

This Is How I Roll...

Roller Derby. I would be lying if I didn’t say I LOVE it, but finding the time to squeeze this in amongst already penciled obligations or sick kids has been really tough. The team just released the tentative bout schedule and some of them will require overnight travel. Can I really commit to traveling, much less overnight travel?! I have been struggling to try and sort out what to do these past few weeks. I don’t want to leave my team, but I also don’t want to miss my weekends with the kids and their sports.

I am 35 years old skating around in knee high socks, leggings and full skate gear. My body hurts and my rear end still has the purple outline of a full cheek bruise from a hard fall 3 weeks ago. I admit there is an element of youth derby allows me to hold onto; however, my life is everything but that of a youthful and carefree young thing these days.

Lately, I’ve really begun to see the difference in my kids with having both parents out of the home so frequently. I practice at least 2 times a week and the rest of the week is occupied by kid or husband sports which take our family time down to sometimes an hour or less a night. My husband finally acknowledged there is a clear difference between the kids we raised and the little one who has found achievement through pitching an Oscar worthy tantrum performance to get her way via Nanny. I do not believe in doling out any sort of corporal punishment, but I do believe in respectful and well behaved kids; the latter of which takes a lot of time and patience to achieve without wanting to spank them into submission (believe me, I’ve considered it).

I love derby and I love my family. Derby is exhilarating and exciting. There is nothing quite like hauling ass around a track, wind blowing through your hair and either jamming past your opponent or solidly blocking them and hearing the crunch of their gear on the track. It is an amazing and empowering experience. Beyond the joy of the sport, what is important to me is getting close enough to home to actually have an impact on the raising of my kids. I don’t feel like I can do this by working or traveling so far from home. Before I receive any sort of email about how working mothers can have an impact on their children, I will acknowledge that this is absolutely true and I am in no way implying it is impossible. I will also acknowledge that I was a solid B student in college and even though I wanted to be an A student, I couldn’t do it. We are all built different and all I know is what I’m doing right now, today, isn’t working.

I have a date in mind that I plan to be my last day here at this job. My husband has blessed this date and I am excited that 2012 could be the year. I cannot completely stop working at this point, but I can find a family friendly schedule through teaching. My biggest hurdle has been a financial one, but by saving and foregoing the major addition to our house we had planned, I think we’re finally there. If I can secure a teaching position next year, then I will be able to quit my job.

I love derby, but I love my family more. There is no choice in waging these two against each other; my family will always win.

The White Flag

I give up.  I am yelling "Uncle."  I am finally waving the white flag of surrender.  I can't keep fighting for a life that doesn't exist anymore.  When I left my post as a stay-at-home mom, my little boy was still wearing diapers and my daughter was just starting preschool.  A lot has changed from then until now; I have changed from then to now. 

Just when I thought I had it all worked out in my head, last week happened and it was a tough one.  Last week is the closest I have ever come to being fired in my whole life - the kicker of it is, I wasn't even here on a day that the whole thing went to hell...

The nanny had called me to say she was throwing up.  I could just picture the sick dominoes falling at the house:  Nanny, then Baby, then Big Girl, then Little Man, then my husband and I which would create a sick wheel for weeks to come. My mother-in-law was working, my husband had football and that left me.  I raced out of work to head home.

When I left work, my phone still blew up all afternoon with work stuff.  I spend a great deal of time going through projects and gave direct and clear instruction on a situation that was on any given day no big deal, but apparently my staff did not follow directions and something small spiraled into a huge deal.  The next day when I came into work, little did I know just how bad they had screwed up and how much clean-up I'd be doing.  My boss and I both went up to meet with the Principal of a company who was set on describing - at length just how bad we'd screwed up.  At the end of  the entire ass-chewing, he looked at my boss and said "The only reason I am not escalating this any further is because of her" and he pointed at me and said "She is the best."  An otherwise awesome thing to hear, but preferably in a different context.  We breathed.  We were both not getting fired just yet.

Overall, I run a pretty easy going office and I do not thrive on ruling with a golden fist. But, if you blow it and not just in a "I'm a human, I make mistakes" sort of way, but big, then we're done. The staff walked on egg shells today and each of them came in an said their peace about what happened.  I hate pulling the supreme ruler card, but it had to be done and I'm hoping we're all better for it.

I thought a lot about what happened last week.  What I concluded is that every once in awhile it might be good to think you have something to lose - like you're job.  While I would love to not come to this place everyday, I'd prefer not to get fired over something stupid.  Last I checked, my family really needs me to hold onto this job and of all people to let down, it can't be them.  They are the most important; the reason I wake and rise every single day.  My fingers are crossed for a better week this time around...

35

I celebrated my 35th birthday this week.  35.  When you're 25, 35 seems like such a life time away.  It seems like wrinkles and stuffy clothes; like 8pm bedtimes and 6am yoga...

But I don't feel old.  I feel like I'm not smart enough, like I haven't accomplished enough, like I haven't yet found how to be happy enough... to be deemed 35.

This last month has been a realllllly rough one for me - both work wise and personally. This week was not only my birthday, but it also marked the completion of my 4th year at my job.  By no means is this the worst job in the world and when there are thousands of people out there willing to take any job for pay, there is little room to complain about having a solid one.  I get it.  It doesn't mean that I'm not grateful for the job, it just means I'm not where I want to be.

As I round out my latest year here (at my job), I think in some ways it is finally getting easier to make the hour and a half commute because I'm not really leaving babies anymore.  My baby is about to turn 3 in a few months and is as happy and healthy as the next kid.  My 8 and 6 year olds are also doing just fine.  They are not damaged because I work.  The one who most resents me working is my Big Kid.  She remembers our adventures when I stayed at home most vividly out of the three.  We didn't have a lot of money, but we certainly found a lot of interesting and fun things to do with each other. 

I sometimes wonder if that two year experience staying home is what has made me so dissatisfied with where I am right now.  When my mind dawdles, I question whether or not this was a good idea or if I'm sorry I did it at all- in retrospect.  My answer always comes back the same.  No way am I sorry.  The two years I was able to be home were some of the toughest at times, but likewise some of the best years of my life.  if I had not taken that time when I could, I wouldn't have a clear vision of where I ultimately want to be.  I will likely never be able to be a stay at home mom again, but if I can find a way to be closer and more accessible to to my family, then this will all be okay.

Thank You

A big THANK YOU to Anna Deskins for featuring our interview on her site.  You may click here to read it.

It's THAT Time...Again...

One word:  Budget.  My preliminary operating budget for work is due Friday.  Unfortunately, this halts my life until I meet the deadline.  It's Go-Time.  I have not seen my kids in two days - Oh, and I've actually slept in bed at home, but have left too early and come home too late to see them. 

Posts will hopefully resume next week..I hope :-(