Thursday, May 14, 2009

What Is My Problem!?


Pretty soon you can't use the excuse of "I just had a baby" to explain the extra squish all over your body. My baby is now 6 months old and the scale stopped moving down in numbers three months ago. My daughter has made several comments about my changed physique for example: "Daddy is skinny and Mommy is fat " or "Why are you bigger than the other mommies in my class?" and my favorite, "You're fat because you don't excercise. I saw that on TV." I'm not hurt by these comments because she isn't saying it to be mean, but I'm tired of this being the way she sees me. We are VERY careful at my house the way we describe or talk about peoples sizes, but you cannot shield your kids from what they hear at school or other public places. The only thing you can do is guide them and hope to correct some of the idiot comments people say in the presence of children.

I am your typical "comfort" eater. I've struggled with my weight for what seems to be my entire life. I think I went on my first diet when I was 11 - yeah, sick. My mom is a career dieter to this day and both my sisters are tall and super thin (and are "closet" food-phobes). I've always made the joke that I got the short end of the gene pool in our family since I'm short and stout (just like a little teapot). Before I had this baby I'd say I was of a normal size (8-10) even though some may debate what the term "normal" really is. Normal for me is feeling healthy and capable. I felt that way before I got pregnant this last time. I ran the NY Marathon in 2007 for crying out loud! I of course love my little "Newbie" and wouldn't change our decision to have her. I just should've reconsidered my food and excercise choices...I was just so tired.

So now what? Should I waste my life whining that I'm fat? Should I go to therapy? Or, should I just like myself enough to take care of me? I've never thought of myself as someon with low self-esteem but why else would I neglect myself like I have. Do I subconciously think I'm not worth it? At this point in my life it's definately not about being lazy - the permanent bags under my eyes are proof that I'm not over-resting. I've gone so far as to look into joining Food Addicts Anonymous as a way to stop turning to food. I feel compelled by a force greater than my will to eat everything not nailed down. I feel like I'm at a stand still. I know what I have to do, I just don't know how to get there.

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