Monday, September 28, 2009

So Close...

Some of my biggest regrets in my life are missing those special "First's" with my kids. Now I don't miss these events because I haven't been a good mom or because I don't care enough to be there, I miss these moments because I can't be there. The reality of it is that I have to go to work. Trust me, if there was a way around this I would have found it.

My 10 month old baby has just started to get her footing. She's standing and reaching and doing all the typical things a baby does just before she takes those first steps. I've been begging her (and the gods) to please, please, please don't let me miss those first steps. This past Friday, I walked in the front door and was met by my mother-in-law, who watches the kids periodically, and she said "I can't believe she's walking!" "Yeah, she's getting close" I said. "No, she's really walking." I must have gone into denial because I said "Yeah, she's been taking a step here or there for a few weeks now." "No, I mean she's really walking" she said. Then I got it. I felt the blood run from my face and my stomach churn. "Really?" I said. "Watch" was all I heard and next thing I knew, my little Itty-Bitty took several steps to embrace my legs. If my mother-in-law wouldn't have been there I would've cried...

I was so f-ing close. It was Friday. It was the day before my birthday. I missed it by hours...

Over the last 6 years I've missed stuff. It's just inevitable, but this time was the last time I'd miss a baby walking. It's the end of something special; an era over. My sweet little Addie is my last baby. There, I said it out loud. I know that she is the last even though I have wild fantasies about just one more. When I had just the 2 kids I knew in my heart the magic number was 3. If I had 3 I'd never feel like we shorted our family. Truthfully, I'd do 4, but there are too many stipulations that would need to be met in order for this to be a consideration--like winning the lottery, not working, getting my husband to buy on to it....you all know how this goes. I know it's the end.

I promised my husband if he gave the green light on 3, I'd never beg for 4. Sometimes I wonder if I only want 4 because I want one last chance to see everything I've missed with the 3. Like, between 4 kids you get a complete set of 3 kid memories....I know it's sick, but maybe??

All I know is I missed something big. My husband said "Well, aren't you excited to see who she grows into next?" Uh....No. I like her just the way she is. I don't need her to grow up. The other two grew up and I swear all they do is either yell at me or each other. I have yet to meet a baby who isn't from the top of their sweet heads to bottom of their curly toes, perfect. I'll take the baby :-)



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