Tuesday, September 29, 2009

What the HELL am I doing HERE

I think the title says it all. I'm sitting here typing with one hand and holding the breast pump with the other. God help me if I tip the contraption onto my keyboard sending a rush of breast milk everywhere. Like it's not already humiliating enough that everyone in my office knows what I'm doing in here when my door is shut. I don't care what anyone says, breast feeding mom's who have to pump at work are secretly snickered about--just like the smokers are persecuted by non-smokers for taking daily "smoking breaks." (Kinda different in that smoking kills you, but it's the only example I could think of right now.)

I wish so much that earlier in my life I would've grasped the concept that money REALLY isn't everything and that happiness is the most important. My life has been driven by a paycheck. I am fortunate enough that that decision has helped our family stay afloat during these turbulent financial times. I know that there are people out there right now struggling to pay their bills and feed their kids. I know this and yet I still I can't stop the relentless patronization of myself for being stuck in a career that, to say the least, is boring. It's not like I'm not busy, because I am. Every single day. It just lacks any sort of mental challenge. I keep feeling guilty for not simply embracing a constant thankfulness for just having a job. I will definitely acknowledge that I am lucky to be working, but when did wanting to be happy become such taboo? Is being happy now considered a luxury ticket item reserved only for the wealthy and well deserved?

Right now I should be working on a quarterly report that is due in, oh, 25 minutes in order to meet the mid-west time cut-offs. I'll finish it on time because I don't have the option not to. I've become a master of procrastination because losing any time on work that is not a necessity is an obscene notion to me. The old me would work on a report a few days in advance to make sure everything was perfect. The new me says "Screw it!" I'll get it done in an hour and honestly no one will know any different.

I don't know why I'm so pissed off today. Maybe it was missing the baby take her first steps. Maybe it was the fact my kids have been acting terrible --not an exaggeration-- and I can't be there to be the law, or just maybe I've gotten old enough to realize when it's time to say "Uncle." I keep waiting to live the life I want and I've come to realize I may not really know how to do this. I think the "waiting" is the problem. I think I need to be a do'er. Writing this blog keeps me barely holding onto the do'er concept of another life that doesn't seem so impossible.

Off to finish my report, play the lotto and find my path...


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