Monday, October 5, 2009

Optimism

I feel abnormally optimistic today, which considering last week's unfortunate whirlwind, is like winning a prize. Monday's for me are usually the worst of the worst, but not today. I mean it wasn't like "YIPPEE, I'm heading to work" or anything, but it wasn't the jab to my stomach I've become all too familiar with. I'm usually pretty tired from trying to get everything ready for the week and sad because I have to wake up and leave my kids for 12 hours a day. Those things were all still there, just the shock of it was...hmmm...duller. I don't know know, maybe I'm just too tired to know anymore :-).

This weekend was full as usual. My dad who has been out of work since January recently had surgery on his shoulder. He lives alone in a modest house in the city next door to mine. It's not far, but far enough that we probably don't visit has much as we should. My sister has done most of the work to make sure he is taken care of, but Saturday was my turn. The kids and I visited, we went grocery shopping, we did coffee and then we visited more. He was not the best father, but he is a good man and a great Grandpa to my kids. This is redemption enough for any grudge I may have ever had. Seeing him so distraught over not finding a job for so long makes me thankful for what I have. I can't explain it, but I just feel like everything is going to be okay.

We're all in such a rush - I'm the biggest offender of this. As I cleaned out baby clothes from the dressing table yesterday I had to periodically stop to hug a small outfit both my girls have now worn. They still smelled like a baby. Even as I clean out the clothes I still have just a small glimmer of hope that I get to have another baby, that this little dreamy stage of life will not end. I know this is selfish. I know we don't have the room, we can't afford it and we will terminally be tired for the rest of our lives. But then I look at my little boy, my sweet loving little boy who has been struggling with a mean streak lately, and I think where did the time go? When did he start being a big kid with thoughts and emotions of his own. Even when he thinks I'm a "Meanie" and runs from me, my love for him is steadfast. I love my kids more than anything else in this world. Would another baby really cramp our lives that much?

I'm telling you, if this isn't a lucky week I don't know what is. I know we're all supposed to be at the driver's seat of our happiness, so this week is going to be my go at it. Maybe I crash and burn, but maybe not...we'll have to see.

I know it's sick, but I've invested yet another dollar on a lottery ticket. Hope. It's a powerful thing.



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