Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The End of An Era

This will probably be my last post for 2009. My, my, my what a year it's been...

Maybe it's the halt of the Christmas crazies that now allows us to actually breathe, which then leads to thinking. Maybe it's the impending New Year just a few days away that causes us to pause and reflect. Maybe it was the news of a friend from high school who died in a tragic death that got me thinking about where our choices lead us. I don't know, but I do know I’ve been here before. Usually at the end of every year I think about yet another year that has flown by too fast.

Someone recently sent me (and 25 other people) an email that said "The only ones who fear death are those who have not yet really lived." My stomach dropped a little bit when I read this because I knew all too well exactly what that meant. I've made no secret of the fact that my mortality has been on my mind a lot lately. I know I'm not that old and I know for the most part I'm sort of healthy, but I still can't help but feel the nudge to hurry up and live before I don't have the option. But what does that mean?! Living seems like such a simple concept, yet so many of us become watchers of our life instead of do’ers.

This year marks the end of a personal era for me. Our youngest child just turned one and I’m 99.9% sure there are no more babies in my future. My child bearing years are over. I know a great many women who have rejoiced in this, but I have to admit I’m a little bit sad. It really struck a chord with me when we recently gave away all the little baby gear: baby bjorns, diaper bags, strollers, car seats, activity mats, rattles and (so many) toys, bassinet, crib bumpers, burpers, receiving blankets, new born sleepers. These are all the things that destroy the d├ęcor of a house, but scream “we have a baby.” The good news is that all the items went to two different women who were in real need. The bad news is that I felt sad when I should’ve felt good about helping people out.

Maybe subconsciously I’ve let myself go under the disclaimer that I’m a busy mom. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still really busy but it’s a different kind of busy when you don’t have a baby around. I wonder if I’ve been using this as an excuse to avoid actually having a life…oh God, I hope not!

I don’t know where this post is going today, but I do know I’ve rambled enough. Be merry. Be safe. Be happy.



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