Tuesday, January 19, 2010

What Am I Waiting For?

It's hard to believe that this first month of the new year is more than half over. The days are going by too quick and the years even faster. Lately my kids have been preferring my husband over me. It especially works out well in the middle of the night when someone needs help with a runny nose and I begin to get up and am stopped with "Daddy does it better." Truthfully, it's bitter sweet. On one hand I can leave for work knowing the kids are happy and well taken care of. On the other it is a reminder that I am no longer needed like I once was; I'm beginning to hear more "Mom!" instead of the sweet "Mommy" I have come to identify with.

I don't know if it was the darkness outside or the cold rain pummeling the newly applied makeup off my face that crushed this day before it began. I left the house this morning with my babies still warm in their beds and in the midst of a raging storm outside. I couldn't help but ask myself "what the hell am I doing!?" The two hour commute that followed into the city to a job I don't like or want to be at was brutal. Two hours in a car is too long for my mind to race.

I keep trying to focus on the good things working provides my family with (like a home) but those reasons are running out fast and getting old even faster. I remember when I was younger I didn't understand the concept of retirement. I used to wonder who would work their entire life only looking forward to it ending?!? Ah...I wish I still didn't understand the appeal of retirement now. It's true what they say, "Ignorance is bliss."

I keep telling myself, "patience, patience, patience," but I'm not exactly sure what I'm being patient for. Maybe the lottery?! Maybe I'm waiting for the day I wake up and my heart stops aching to be with my kids? I'm told by a few mom's that this will happen at some point, but do I really want to stop missing them? Will I sacrifice a piece of myself only to numb the ache? Maybe I'm just waiting for hope that things will be better...I don't know what the answer is...I'm just so tired of the unknown.

In a wierd way even though it stings a bit, I am glad my kids have gotten over me going to work. It lessons the sharpness of my worries when I leave them each day. Even if they don't know it, I still know they need me. Even when they are grown I will still miss what I have missed with them, but I do it because I love them. I guess I will hope for hope until I know what I am being patient for.

Convert a regular bra to a nursing bra

Nursing bras. Ugh...There is nothing sexier than that quick "snapping" sound breast feeding moms have become all too familiar with. Pair that with the lackluster appearance of the granny looking contrapation and it's a recipe for dismay.

So I may be done with this stage of my life, but I thought this was too cool to pass on sharing with anyone who is still in the trenches--and within distance of this cool little shop. I'd like to take full credit for this find, but I actually snatched it up from Rookie Moms' article, Convert a regular bra to a nursing bra.

Friday, January 15, 2010

New Year's Resolutions

I've been working on my New Year's Resolutions, literally, before last year actually ended. Pathetically enough, it's taken me this long to narrow them down to something realistic. I wanted my resolutions to be thoughtful and honest. I'm just setting myself up for dissappoint if I actually list "winning the lottery" as one of my resolutions.

I spend so much time thinking and worrying about the what-if's. This year I need to focus on the now's in my life and try to eliminate all the other nonsense. I've listed what I consider to be totally accomplishable this year:

1. Lose the baby weight.
2. Be more patient with life and kids.
3. Be a good listener.
4. Focus on the present.
5. Complete a 1/2 marathon.

Five. That's it. Five little things that I can realistically accomplish. I will still be hoping to win the lottery, but if I don't, I'll be okay.

Happy Be-lated New Year!