Tuesday, January 19, 2010

What Am I Waiting For?


It's hard to believe that this first month of the new year is more than half over. The days are going by too quick and the years even faster. Lately my kids have been preferring my husband over me. It especially works out well in the middle of the night when someone needs help with a runny nose and I begin to get up and am stopped with "Daddy does it better." Truthfully, it's bitter sweet. On one hand I can leave for work knowing the kids are happy and well taken care of. On the other it is a reminder that I am no longer needed like I once was; I'm beginning to hear more "Mom!" instead of the sweet "Mommy" I have come to identify with.

I don't know if it was the darkness outside or the cold rain pummeling the newly applied makeup off my face that crushed this day before it began. I left the house this morning with my babies still warm in their beds and in the midst of a raging storm outside. I couldn't help but ask myself "what the hell am I doing!?" The two hour commute that followed into the city to a job I don't like or want to be at was brutal. Two hours in a car is too long for my mind to race.

I keep trying to focus on the good things working provides my family with (like a home) but those reasons are running out fast and getting old even faster. I remember when I was younger I didn't understand the concept of retirement. I used to wonder who would work their entire life only looking forward to it ending?!? Ah...I wish I still didn't understand the appeal of retirement now. It's true what they say, "Ignorance is bliss."

I keep telling myself, "patience, patience, patience," but I'm not exactly sure what I'm being patient for. Maybe the lottery?! Maybe I'm waiting for the day I wake up and my heart stops aching to be with my kids? I'm told by a few mom's that this will happen at some point, but do I really want to stop missing them? Will I sacrifice a piece of myself only to numb the ache? Maybe I'm just waiting for hope that things will be better...I don't know what the answer is...I'm just so tired of the unknown.

In a wierd way even though it stings a bit, I am glad my kids have gotten over me going to work. It lessons the sharpness of my worries when I leave them each day. Even if they don't know it, I still know they need me. Even when they are grown I will still miss what I have missed with them, but I do it because I love them. I guess I will hope for hope until I know what I am being patient for.

2 comments:

  1. oh wow....i can imagine how tough this is. men and women are created so different. we very easily compartmentalize. you live and breath with your heart on your sleeve. and that's why you're special. and why we are. and why we're at our best when we (you and your husband) are together. your kids need both. you and him. you both bring magic to the table. don't forget.

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  2. A 1/2 marathon! Wow I am impressed. I'm not even ambitious enough for that. You did run a full marathon though, so I have faith in your plight for the 1/2 marathon. Good luck!

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