Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Man Bitches

Today is just one of those days that I'm willing to say out loud "I hate my job." Sometimes the out loud is what makes it real and you spiral to a point of total bleakness. Today I don't care. Today is bleak and it is was dumping fierce rain earlier.

Nothing is really going wrong and the work load is not crazy heavy, I think I just hate dealing with the office politics. I swear, the men in my office are the stereo-typical women we hear most men bitch about. They're whiny and sulky and they sit at their desk and snivel. The size of the egos around here that need to be stroked is unnerving! I want to just start yelling at these whiny man-bitches to suck it up - god knows we women here do it ALL THE TIME! We don't bitch about our husbands, our kids are not better than everyone else's and we don't openly complain when things don't go our way!

The one constant in my mind as I sit at this desk all day (besides me missing my kids)is that I cannot WAIT to get the hell out of here. I keep putting these time stamps like, "In two years, I'm quitting" or "When I win the lottery, I'm definitely leaving" or "If my husband gets a job somewhere far away, I guess I'll HAVE to quit my job and move there." I think feeling like there is an end to this whole mess is what gets me to the next day.

Now that I've gotten all that off my chest...

I know these are tough economical times and don't mistake my discontent for being ungrateful. I am grateful to be working, but I just HATE what I do. It was only supposed to get me through college! And, here I am...still...almost 14 years later. Maybe it's leaving the kids I love everyday knowing that I'm going somewhere I just don't want to be that makes it the most difficult. Maybe if I actually had a little umph about what I do it would make a difference.

Anyone who knows me knows that one of my hobbies is perusing real estate pages for that perfect home. I love where I live now, but my house is too small and oddly laid out. It's not the home I had envisioned my children coming someday to visit with their own children in tow. Truth be told, I'm probably never going to move, but it gives my brain some candy for a few minutes. Who knows, maybe that home will come along one day and I'll be waiting...patiently.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Clairol #20

The last time I tried to color my own hair I was 16 - almost 17 and I was a Senior in high school. Of course I was confident in my skills as a first-time colorist, so I went for it and opted for the "permanent" color. The deep brown with a dash of red I was trying to achieve didn't quite come through. I was called "Big Red" for the next few months at school until I could pool enough money together to go see a professional. Needless to say, I swore I would never, ever color my own hair again.

Flash forward 16 years later to me standing in front of my vanity mirror with tweezers pulling out more gray hair than I know what to do with. "When did this happen?" "Where did my pretty, shiny hair go?" I've needed to make a hair appointment for the past month, but time and money have not reconciled. There are so many other things we need to pay for besides a salon visit. "This is stupid" I thought. I'm going to be bald at this rate if I keep pulling out all this gray!

I packed up the kids and headed out on our weekend Target run. Amongst the baby food, chips, paper towels and other household goods we save for Target, I grabbed a box of "Hazelnut" brown from the hair color isle. This was a tough one. How many shades of brown can there really be?! First I grabbed for the most expensive one at $10 a box, then I figured screw it. If I blow this I'll be at the salon anyway forking out another $125. If I'm going cheap, well then, I'm going CHEAP. I settled on the box in the clearance section for $5.99. It seriously can't get cheaper than THAT, right?

Last night after the kids were in bed and the house was picked up I slipped down the hall to the bathroom. I read the directions and the process seemed easier than I remember. I slipped on the gloves, mixed, shook and applied the messy goo to my head and hair, all the while praying that a shade of purple or red did not emerge and nothing in the bathroom would be stained. At one point I could feel my scalp beginning to slightly tingle and I was sure I should have done the "48 hour test" the box recommended because my hair was about to fall out.

Fifteen minutes later, my hair was done and still attached to my scalp. My husband did a once over with a "not bad" and we went back to our regular lives folding endless laundry. If it looked really bad, he would've told me. It's a lot darker than I'm used to. The pretty blond highlights I paid a small fortune to have done are now part of the past; but so is the gray, so mission accomplished!

This detour on my hair care is not one that I'll probably keep, but for now, it did the trick - and it was affordable! I'd venture to say that I'd do this again with no hesitation. Once the warm weather comes back and the days go back to being bright, I'll probably go back to the salon for a lighter more seasonally appropriate hair color. I've pulled my mom's hair through one of those little caps for an affordable highlight job and frankly, I've screwed that up before - so I'm OUT on this one. For now this works and I feel better about myself by covering the gray.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Today is the day I start running in the morning. I kept telling myself that I'd do it once the kids went to bed, but this just isn't happening. By the time the kids are in bed and the kitchen gets picked up, I'm toast.

Just as my alarm went off this morning at 4:50am my baby, who has been fighting a cold, snuggled into me. I LOVE the baby snuggle; the warmth of her little body and the softness of her breath, followed by a congested pig snort were almost too much for me to abandon for a freezing cold run outside.

I did NOT want to get up this morning. But, then I thought WWJD. This can mean all sorts of things to people, and I might get some flack for this but what it means to me is "What Would Jen Do?"

Jennifer Aniston has the best looking legs in Hollywood in my (not-so) humble opinion. She's 40! No one is born with legs like this (if they are, I need to be lied to!) and I'm sure it takes a lot of work and dedication to accomplish this. As a woman in her 30's this gives me great comfort in seeing that age doesn't completely determine the downfall of your body. I know, I know, she has lots of money and trainers and no kids, and, and....who cares. She's still 40 and I'm still 33.

So, I chanted my "WWJD" and I gave my baby one last snuggle before I rolled out of bed and into my day. It was freezing outside, but now that I've officially signed up for the 1/2 marathon, I need to get down to business if I want to survive with any sort of dignity. The bags under my eyes alone were almost enough for me to throw in the towel, but I managed to throw on some offensive looking but warm clothing and I hit the asphalt.

The darkness was startling and my lungs burned from the cold air being sucked in. The way I was gasping, you would've thought I was drowning-truthfully, I probably was just a little bit. The nice thing about the dark was that it nicely hid how ridiculous I looked. At this point I'm just happy I survived.

Seriously speaking, I didn't get out of bed JUST to try and get Jen's legs. I got out of bed because I love my family. As much as I feel like I deserve a healthy happy life it takes work and they deserve to have me at my best.

Have a (YAWN) great day everyone!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Food For Thought...

I've been doing pretty good without the wheat, which is completely surprising to me. I'm also not a complete psycho about it and I think this helps. I made some pumpkin bread for my little guy this weekend, so I tasted it for quality assurance purposes and that was the end of it. I don't know if it's just wishful thinking or not, but cutting the wheat seems to actually make me feel a little more balanced - as weird as that sounds.

My eldest daughter went to a fun birthday party this weekend that had a really creative theme to it. Most 6-7 year old girl parties revolve around pink and princess. This party was a "science" party with a scientist who showed the kids different "experiments." This party is all she talked about all weekend. The birthday girl's mom is great. She's a stay-at-home mom, but maybe one of the busiest I know. If she can pull this party off, the rest of us can too if we so choose - choose being the operative word here.

Right before I dropped E off to her party, I dumped an entire blender full of banana strawberry smoothie down the front of me, my cabinets, floor, counters and rug. I had to be out the door, so I tried to confine the mess and change my clothes until I could get back home. Desperate, I quickly threw on an old sweatshirt and pants and ran out the door. I knew this mom, so I wasn't too worried about her judging me....I didn't even think about the small percentage of mom's who would though--not like I usually care anyway.

There is always one swanky mom out there who if you wanted to feel like crap about yourself, you'd seek her out. Well that mom was dropping off at the party this weekend too. "Swanky Mom" and I pass each other on occasion at school or during the summer at the pool. She always seems pleasant enough, but I've never found her to be very friendly. There are just some people you click with and some you don't which is normal and no big deal.

When you have a drop off party you never really go in, dump your kid and run. There's always usually a bit of pleasant small chat while you check out the safety of the home you're about entrust your child in before you really make it out. As I was leaving, wishing the birthday mom luck, Swanky Mom was chatting with a few moms about her new trainer and her super low body fat percentage (gag), when I heard "If you have money, there's no reason you can't be healthy and fit..." Seriously?!? Did she just say that?! When I looked back (in all my frumpy glory) I saw she didn't even realize what she said. She didn't realize that her comment was incredibly condescending and presumptuous. For the record, it's not about money - my good friend Oprah is an excellent example of this point.

The best thing about being fat before you're skinny is that you don't think like this. You know how hard it is to "maintain" and how many variables besides food and exercise contribute to being healthy. I don't just want to be skinny just to wear a bikini (though truthfully, I guess I could force myself to live with it). I want to be healthy, capable and strong so that I stay alive as long as possible so that I can see my children grow up to have their own families. Maybe I'm being petty and sensitive, but for the sake of my girls - and even my little boy, I would hope more than just money shapes a healthy life.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Day 2 - No Wheat

Besides being swamped at my "real" job, I just haven't had the umph to write lately. I've been stuck in this cycle of self-loathing and frankly if I'm tired of hearing myself complain, so are you.

The good news is that my kids who went on a wicked brat bender seem to be mellowing out. They are still going at each other, but at least the back-talk to me has subsided (for now) - it's a good thing I love them...

I officially signed up for the See Jane Run 1/2 Marathon in June. To say I'm scared is putting it mild. I'm lucky to have at least one friend who has also committed to the plight and I think this will really make the difference.

For Christmas my husband got me a few training sessions. Great, right? It really is, except I struggle to find time to fit anything additional into my already tired and stretched life. I went up, then 18 flights of stairs today but sadly it's just not enough. I'm going to try and walk 1/2 an hour on my lunch at least 3 days a week, then add running in on the weekend.

I lost a significant amount of weight 3 years ago after my second child. A good part of that was because my diet was stripped down so much to accommodate a child with allergies. The other part was actually not being stationary at a desk allllllll day long. The hardest food to cut was all wheat products. I LOVE bread, so you can imagine how tough this was. The biggest thing I noticed by doing this was 1.) I really did have the will power to modify my diet and 2.) wheat products really didn't make me feel that good. When I stopped eating wheat, I felt better (aside from the fact I was jonesing for a gluten fix at least 3x a day). I'm on day 2 of no wheat and I'm hoping for the best

I'll try and have lighter posts again. My kids still do funny things I want to remember, so I'll be documenting those hopefully sooner than later.

Thanks for hanging in there with me...