Monday, March 22, 2010

30's are the new 40's?

I haven't posted in a little while because I've honestly just been swamped. I often think about things I want to write about, but then just as quickly they fall out of my head - much like my everyday life. Today I'm obsessed with this fantasy of living in BFE, breathing fresh air and having more kids...don't worry, the fantasy will pass. My normal fantasies of having a clean house and a maid will resume sooner than later.

I have often been told that your "30's" are some of your best years and that 30 is the new 40. Really I ask??? I don't know about you, but the 30's have seemed pretty difficult, but not for the reasons you might think. Sure, it's still about trying to get ahead and securing a future for your family - I don't think these things ever change. Financially speaking, I'm certainly NOT where I thought I'd be at this point in my life. I'm alright with all of the uncertaintly life brings, because there is also a good amount of things I am certain of. For example, I am certain that I love my kids and my husband and that rich or poor this will remain. The hard part about the 30's for me is that you're wise enough to know who you are and where you want to be, but I'm still inexperienced enough to not know how to get there. Hence, the 30's so far have been good, but really frustrating.

I have to admit that at 33, I often feel like I'm failing...as a mother, a wife, an employee and lastly of course as a human being. The worst part is that these feelings of inadequacy can at times just feel normal - ridiculous, isn't it? Instead of waking up everyday happy to be alive, I wake up dreading every day except Friday when I feel like there's a momentary break in sight.

This past Friday never felt like it was going to end. I had been pressed hard all day at work and ran out of the office at 5:00pm sharp hoping to make a late entrance to my daughter's school Bingo night. Unfortunately, work followed me from the office through my entire commute home, then through an early portion of Bingo night. My family had to wait. The other family we went with had to wait. By the time we finally got to Bingo, I was wound tight. I felt snappy with the kids and I felt like a loser to have to keep jumping on my phone. I was "that" lady at a school function.

As we eased into the pizza and dancing and of course Bingo, I felt the pressure begin to release. Once I got off the phone and was able to focus on my family, things were good. The kids had a great time with their friends and we were also in good company. Bingo night saved my sanity; being a mom saved my life.

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