Monday, October 25, 2010

"Rain, Rain, Come and Stay, Give Us Back Our Saturday..."

The last few weeks have been jam-packed with different things.  Two weekends ago, I completed the Women's Nike Half-Marathon and become the proud recipient of a shiny little Tiffany necklace.  This year was about just finishing.  Next year will be about what the time.  I was so happy and proud...

Last week's work-week quickly took all that excitement from the half marathon accomplishment and sent it straight to hell.  We're in the middle of a huge project that is weather sensitive.  We were already pushing it, but just found out that equipment set to arrive this week has been delayed until the first week of December.  No one is happy about it.  But, in the freak-out of it all, I've been having it served up to me non-stop for days.  I have engineers who "don't understand how this could have happened" a boss who is "the only one who doesn't have tunnel vision and is going to be left to figure out this mess" (because that's really true) an even bigger boss who thinks "this is project is crazy."  I just sent off the update to the client.  I will cross my fingers that the tongue lashings are done for now.

Soccer.  It's great for the kids, taxing on us.  We have various practices and clinics 4 days a week and games on Saturday  We are maniacs on Saturday trying to get everyone packed up and where they are supposed to be. Of course it can't be easy, so we split up because the games have been overlapping one another on different fields on opposite sides of the city.  It's a miracle that my husband and I are still married after the crazy is said and done. 

This last Saturday it began to sprinkle and all I could think is "Please, Please, Please God, let it pour and close the soccer fields. Give me a Saturday off."  The clouds must have been too thick to hear the desperation in my voice because we played and it was wet and cold.  How wrong is it that the forecast shows rain next Saturday and all I can think is "I hope the game is cancelled."  Next weekend is a Halloween party AND the World Series...

I am exhausted.  For a brief while I thought I could do four kids. Yeah, maybe four inactive mutes but not four kids like the three busy, active, sporty ones I've got.  And truthfully, I honestly still think I could...if I didn't work and could hold the household together.  I don't have a good enough handle on the homefront when I'm working and things fall through the cracks.  I know some super moms manage to get it ALL done, but I've come to accept that I'm not that mom and probably never will be.

As I mopped my kitchen floor this morning at 5:30am, changed out a basket of laundry and managed to fully blow dry my hair - all before daylight or waking kids, I quietly accepted that my three kids are good.  They are not always perfect, but they are perfect for us. 

GO GIANTS!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Green...

I often talk about my "grass is greener" fantasy and how I've half convinced myself that this is actually true.  I think the fantasy provides an immediate, although momentary relief of the stress and pressure I feel to make it all work on my terms.  I still believe the grass COULD be greener on the other side of the fence (say maybe in the Pacific Northwest), but I'm also pretty sure that the grass I have right under my feet is maybe some of the greenest.

The last few weeks have been filled with personal triumphs and tragedy.  Cancer seems to be everywhere and does not discriminate. My uncle, who I was not close to, died of cancer about a week ago.  It's not his death that checked me, but the affect that it has had on his family.  They are understandably devastated by the loss and are struggling daily to move forward. Also on my mind are the two women in my neighborhood who recently lost their battle with the disease, the one man who is in remission and the two other women who are battling to survive breast and stage 4 colon cancer.  The latter and newest addition to the list is a mother who has an 8 year old son.  I have a 7 year old.  This could be me.

I am a pessimist by nature.  I can't help that aspect of who I am, so covering the worst case scenario is, for me, what ensures my existence.  What would happen if I got cancer?  Would I have done everything in my power to prepare my body to fight for me?  Did I buy organic enough?  Sure, who wouldn't want a bikini worthy body - ME, ME, ME, but frankly I'd rather my body be healthy and strong.  I don't EVER want my kids to experience what my cousins are going through.  

For the last few weeks I have payed close attention to what I'm putting into my body.  We even started a friendly and supportive competition amongst our offices to - if you will - participate in our own version of The Biggest Loser.  Right now, I am 5 lbs down.  It's not much, but it's something.  This weekend I will be running in the Nike Women's Half Marathon.  Cross your fingers for me.  The streets of SF are hilly and rough.

I know this is a shocker to my husband, but I'm not perfect.  All I can do is try.  I can't guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen to me or my family, but I can do my best to keep us on the right path.  At the end of the day, all things considered, my grass is pretty green and I want to keep it that way.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My Little Man

My husband called me today with the following funny exchange between he and my son:

"Dad, I know why you married mom."
"Why?"
"Because she's a hottie."

First of all I'd like to thank a Scoobie Doo episode for teaching him the word "hottie" and secondly I'd like to give my little man a high five for using the noun correctly.  There's so much wrong with this, but something so cute at the same time - which is why I posted it.

We should probably start saving for the therapy he may need now :-)


Monday, October 11, 2010

Mini-Me

My husband and I often joke about how each kid has progressively gotten lighter in their features.  My oldest daughter has brown hair, brown eyes and always seems to be tan. She looks most like me.  My son has sandy blond hair, hazel eyes and is pretty fair.  He looks most like my husband.  My baby is a complete blondie with what appear to be dark green eyes and creamy fair skin.  We're not sure where this kid came from.

Our little doppelgangers resemble our personalities too which is sometimes a little startling.  It's really tough to be mad at yourself.  My big girl has been struggling with this the most lately.  She's getting older by the minute and even though I see her everyday it never ceases to amaze me how quickly it's all going by.  Saturday morning:

4:00am
"Mom?"
"What do you need?"
"Do you think you can sign me up for Girl Scouts?"
"Let's talk about it in the morning - when there's light out."
"Do you think you can do it before next week?"
"Honey, not right now."
"But WHY, mommy?"
"Because I'm tired and can't think yet.  Go back to bed."
(sigh) "Okay."

5:30am
"Mommy, I'm really sorry to wake you up again."
"What do you need?"
"It's just that the Girl Scouts are camping next week and I really want to go, but you have to sign me up."
"I told you we'd talk about it when there's light out."
"I really want to go..."
"Go back to bed."
(sigh) "Okay."

6:30am
"Mommy, I'm soooo sorry to bother you again, but I really need to know."
"The answer is NO."
"But WHYYYYYY?"
"Because you want an answer and you keep waking me up...I'm so tired.  Please let me sleep..."
"But--"
"You chose at the beginning of the year.  Sports or Girl Scouts.  Right now my "No" may not be forever, but if you don't go back to bed and right now, you will be without Girl Scouts for the rest of you LIFE."
"But--"
"--No.  Daylight."

To say she is persistent is an understatement.  I negotiate and deal all day at work and I'm not half bad at it.  She is my kid through and through.  Some might ask why I put up with it as long as I did all morning.  First, it was because she was polite.  I know this is not good enough for most people, but I appreciated the "kill 'em with kindness" approach. And second, it really is tough to see a mini-me in action.  

I have to believe these same qualities that are driving me crazy will be an attribute someday.  If who she is right now is any indication of who she will be as a grown up, then I feel like I've done my job raising a smart and sharp woman.  If I'm totally off on this, then please, let me live in my lie for just a little longer...

Happy Monday!





Monday, October 4, 2010

JINXED!

At the end of my last post, I felt lucky to be me.  I felt all warm and fuzzy about how great my kids have been to each other and I was sure that if there was a God he was playing a part in their new found respect for each other.  Well, JINX!   My kids were TERRIBLE to one another this past weekend! My Big Girl has become a Know-It-All and a sassy one at that.  My Little Man who is usually the calmer of the bunch was just an emotional mess of crying and tantrums.  And, my sweet Baby, has taken to shaking one finger at me and saying "No, No, No" then laughing.   At one point this weekend my Little Man was so upset and at a loss for words that he actually hit me...really hard! I know things are gonna go bad when he starts being sassy and mean with the baby - who he adores.   My poor girl who is as happy as can be and doesn't deserve a lick of meanness from either of the other two.

I had so much more work to do on my kids this weekend...and then I leave, entrust them to someone else and go back to work.  Yeah, I know this work thing takes care of my family and provides for them and that's a priority, but it doesn't mean I have to like it or that I am ungrateful for it.  It's just not what I want - IT'S NOT, IT'S NOT, IT'S NOT...sorry, I channeled my 5 year old from this weekend.  Okay then.  Moving on.

As I sat in traffic this morning and had already been honked at and fist pumped by a bitchy woman in her big Lexus,  I began the "grass is greener" fantasy which seems to showing up more and more frequently.  I day dream of a nice house we can afford in quiet little town with nice people, stellar school systems, manicured lawns, fields to run in and far away from the bustle of the city.  I've been applying for new jobs that will hopefully allow me the financial ability to pay off all of our debt sooner, so if we wanted to try for the greener grass we could.  I just hope that a new job with more pay does not solidify my place in the workforce forever...which it totally could.  My husband has never aspired to be a stay at home dad, but something tells me he wouldn't fight too hard to avoid it.  I guess we'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it...