Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Tough Times, Tough Lessons

It's the day before Thanksgiving and I've let all my entire staff go because frankly, why should we all be stuck here.  The phone finally has stopped ringing but the down pour of email has not stopped from one particular jerk who clearly missed the holiday spirit notice.  As I sit her waiting for the additional abuse via email, I've bought myself five minutes to catch up on my posts.

I am a bad blogger.  My brain has been mush.  Unfortunately (and very fortunately in many ways) I have this full time job that keeps getting in the way of my life :-).  Work has been so busy lately I've been getting in the car at the end of the day only to welcome the peace and quiet of a slow commute.  Usually, the long drive allows me to catch up on phone calls with my family or friends, but lately, I just haven't been able to dial anyone.  I am zapped and I have been stressed both professionally and personally.

We planned a family vacation to Disneyland months ago and have paid for it, but in hind sight this may not have been the most financially responsible move.  Work for my husband has been slow, but that has not stopped life and bills from moving forward as if it were not. The trip is booked and paid for and we're going, but Christmas will be light this year.  I keep trying to think back to previous years and historically I think this time of year has always been slow, but historically speaking, the economy hasn't consistently stayed this stagnant either. It feels like the "two steps forward, one step back" theory is in effect here.  It felt for a while there that we might almost be out of the woods; that we may almost be in the black.  But, I guess this is how life goes. 

I had only planned on working for 3 years and stupidly told my daughter 3 years ago to "just give me 3 years" to get me back home or at least close to home.  It's funny how little kids remember the most fleeting conversations and the smallest details - of everything.  My Big Kid got upset at me last week and yelled "You're a liar!  You said you'd only work for 3 years and now it's been 10!"  It clearly hasn't been ten, but I was shocked that she remembered the conversation we had such a long time ago.  I had said it at the time to buy a chunk of time almost equivalent to her then lifetime.  All I could do was apologize....what else was there to say besides "I'm sorry and I'm working on it."  Lesson learned.  No promises to my kids I may not be able to keep - no matter how little they are.

On a more positive note, Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  Go hug your loved ones and be thankful!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Hold On...

Soccer season ended this past weekend which will hopefully allow for some much needed breathing room at our house.  No more shuffling game to game until January.  Work has been crazy as I try to effectively manage two different, but still complex projects simultaneously.  Corporate always wants to have someone accountable should the project fall apart and that someone, luckily, is me...awesome.

For the last few weeks I feel like I've been barely holding on - at home and at work.  Right now I'm walking the fine line between treading water and drowning.  The constant mantra in my head is "Just hold on" but I'm not sure how much longer I can.  Each personal triumph, no matter how great or small, seems to get eaten up by the unexpected consequences of everyday life. 

My Big Girl brought a new joke to the dinner table.  "Mom, do you like nuts?"  It was an out of the blue question, but so are most of her questions so I answered, "Yes, I like nuts."  "These nuts?" she said as she directed both of her pointer fingers to her crotch.  My husband almost chocked on his food as I sent him the "Don't you dare laugh" look across the table.  Over the next few minutes I explained the inappropriateness of the "joke" and asked her to never tell it again. 

The bad language, the different body part names, the "Mean Girls" and the other cliques - they've already started and  it's only second grade.  I knew these things would all present themselves at some point, but already?!?  I've already begun to see snapshots of character I have no doubt will become even more crystal clear as high school comes. 

Respect has been something, no matter how disfunctional our house was growing up, that was not an option for us to have.  I'm not saying we didn't test the waters, because we were kids and of course we did.  But - we also learned quickly that we had better respect adults, the law, our teachers and others or suffer the wrath of my mother. 

I've walked in both the stay-at-home mom and a working mom shoes.  There is no question that both of these roles come with their own challenges.  When you're a SAHM you NEVER have a free moment to yourself or a break in cleaning.  When you're a working mom, you are always exhausted and struggle to establish a real presence when you only really see your kids a couple hours a day AND can never make all of the school events (like the ones held in the middle of the day for 30 minutes!)  For me, as I struggle to stay involved in the building of my little people into good productive human beings there is no question which pair of shoes fit me best.  

I know the pyschic said I'm not winning the lottery and I'm in for a long hard road, but F it.  I need a little light at the end of the tunnel today.

Just hold on, just hold on, just hold on...


Thursday, November 4, 2010

Go Giants!

It has been an exciting week for our family.  The Giants won the World Series and the parade that followed was nothing short of spectacular.  The crowds alone were insane.  The City of San Francisco estimated that 1,000,000 people would be downtown to watch the festivities and end the "torture" as so many have referred to it.  Orange, black and white confetti dropped from windows and rooftops all along the parade trail.  My kids were lucky enough to shimmy themselves up right onto the barricade to get the best views possible.  My son's smile and my daughter's excitement to see their favorite players was priceless. 

I've been a bad blogger lately.  I think of things to write about all day, but then work and life get in the way and I never get my fingers on the keys (at least to type what I want to).  My job hunt has been slow moving.  My current employment hasn't been terrible lately, but I need a change of scenery.  I am done here and a new start might help my unexpectedly prolonged career.

I've thrown a half dozen resumes out there and I've got nothing so far.  A handful of those resumes have been for jobs I'm completely overqualified for, but I figured what the hell.  I mean why shouldn't I be considered for job I'm totally overqualified for, right?!  Wrong.  Truthfully, I'm only applying for these lighter jobs so that should they offer them to me I can turn them down.  I know.  It's sick.  I think the human resources departments know it too.  But hey, it's all about FEELING like I have options regardless of whether I do or not. 

I'm usually pretty skeptical and a firm believer in hard proof - which is one of my struggles with the whole religion/faith thing - but that's another story for another day.  So, when my mom told me she was going to see a psychic a week or so ago I threw in "Ask her if I'm winning the lottery!"  I was for the most part joking, so once I said it I simply put it out of mind and moved on.  No big deal. 

My mom went and saw the lady alright, but what she came back with is still on my mind.  I won't delve into what she said about my siblings (which besides the lesbian comment I think were pretty accurate about all of us).  The psychic told her I wasn't winning the lottery and that I had AT LEAST another 3 hard years of work.  I should have just laughed this off as "fun" and moved on, but I've been stuck on it.  My husband looked at me like I was crazy when I told him and said "Are you seriously going to cry about what some psychic said?"  "Yeah" I said.  "I think I might."  Another 3 freakin' years of this crap?!  And, it's the AT LEAST part that is really rough.  I just need a "hang on until" date; a light at the end of the tunnel date - which I think I just got from the random psychic.  At least another 1,095 days of this crap...awesome.   

To play out my consolation prize therapy, at least I have a job, right?  Ask me in 3 years! :-)