Friday, July 1, 2011


These past few month have been a whirlwind...It never fails that when you want time to most slow down, it goes faster and when you can't get to the next day quick enough, it always lags.  There is no question that for the last 4 years life has seemed overwhelmingly busy, but last week... last week I hit the wall...and I hit it hard.

I've always believed the balance of life's different compartments, work, home, kids, self etc. are achievable as long as they are not all out of whack at the same time.  This theory tested itself out last week and it is no longer just a belief of mine but a true test case.

For the last month I have not been sleeping well.  I've been fighting with myself to make my head stop thinking long enough to attain some level of peace through sleep.  I've even begun running at night with a jogging stroller to get the constant nagging of  "to-do's" to stop in my head.  But then, even my dreams began to unravel, turning abruptly from rainbows to my greatest fears.  Even in my sleep I couldn't find peace.

I have taken my "List" tendencies to a whole new level - I think my boss was actually alarmed by the length of my pending work list it as me made comment to it while perusing my desk.  My other personal lists:  Maid of Honor To-Do's, Home To-Do's, Self To-Do's (listed last of course), are less daunting but linger none the less.

Last week, after an emergency at my project which caused the loss of A/C and restroom facilities for 18 floors of unhappy people, I fought traffic for almost two hours which created a domino effect making me late to pick up my girls, which made me late to drop one off to basketball, which caused us to have dinner at 8:30pm (30 minutes past kid bed time) and my husband had to work late.

I finally walked into the garage and cried, not caring at this point if my kids ever went to bed.  My husband called me when I was out there and all I could say is "I'm calling UNCLE...I can't do this." Accurately so, he laughed and said "You can't call UNCLE with kids."  While I knew he was right, I just needed a few minutes to collect myself.  "I'm in the garage" I said.  "Don't worry I can hear the kids from here if there's anything wrong."  I swear not 5 minutes went by and I heard a kid crying.  With I sigh I told my husband I had to go. 

My Baby Girl playfully hit my Big Girl in the head with a pillow that had a metal know on it....first crying kid.  In the commotion my son came peeling around the corner to see what was going on, slipped and hit his head on the wall...second crying kid.  Next, the Baby slipped on a step and hit her shin...third crying kid.  Already overwhelmed, we all just parked ourselves on the stairs, hugged and cried.  After a few minutes, we all started laughing at how silly we looked.  Picturing it all in my head now, it looks even more ridiculous. 

I think I needed to hit the wall to refocus on my goals.  I'm so close.  So freakin' close to everything I've ever wanted in my whole life.  Yet, it's all just out of reach...but I guess this is what keeps us motivated to try harder.  I have to learn that the list is never completed, the house is never going to remain spotless and that if I never get to quit my job everything will be alright...right???

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