Wednesday, August 17, 2011

It's THAT Time...Again...

One word:  Budget.  My preliminary operating budget for work is due Friday.  Unfortunately, this halts my life until I meet the deadline.  It's Go-Time.  I have not seen my kids in two days - Oh, and I've actually slept in bed at home, but have left too early and come home too late to see them. 

Posts will hopefully resume next week..I hope :-(

Friday, August 5, 2011

1/3 Life Crisis

I'm not sure what my deal is. It's summer and usually my favorite season...I really tried to give this idea of a positive and optimistic year a real shot. Today, I am failing miserablly at this and I'm overwhelmed by what I am unable to control.  My "Bucket List" seems to be growing instead of shrinking these past few years - which I think is probably a commonality amongst a lot of us.

I only have this one life and clearly I am not getting any younger.  More often than not lately, I've been looking in the mirror and have no idea who the frumpy face looking back at me is. My wardrobe has become matronly and the fine lines in my face, more pronounced. Warning:  Old lady talk coming... my blood pressure has been off the charts lately!  What next med's and a walker?  I've been trying to find avenues to relieve the anxiety and stress from the day - like roller derby, but I don't know if this alone will be solving my angst.

Maybe it was the boys being gone this week or that I'm in my budget season for work; maybe it's that I'm turning 35 next month and am stuck in some twisted 1/3 life crisis - which I'm hoping aleviates the mid-life one I've heard others talk about. Whatever it is, I don't know how much longer I can hold on to my sanity or my optimism that there REALLY is an end in sight to my crazy.
I always new in the pit of my stomach that five years at this job was the most realistic outcome for me. California, like a lot of other places in the country was slaughtered in the housing market and jobs are really tough to come by. I'm just about to hit my 4th year here and while I should be thankful for just working, my mind is CONSTANTLY racing to figure out how to get out of here. I know, I know, there are countless people who have it worse than me (I get it, mother!) - I'm not denying that, but that hasn't changed my brain's inability to focus on plotting my "escape."

It's NO secret that we're cramped in our modest house and I know that if I quit before we break ground on an addition that there is a great possibility that the addition will never happen. I've consistently stayed the line on this one - thinking I can hold on until this work is done. I have the checkbook out to start at the end of the year. But then I started thinking - how irresponsible of us financially?! F-It. Refocus on paying down the debt. After careful consideration and thoughtful prioritizing, I don't think I give a shit if have a small house. I just want US - as a family and as a unit to be happy...everything else will work out.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

In the Blink of an Eye

In the blink of an eye it seems as though a whole life time has just gone by.  My Little Man turned 6 last weekend and I swear it feels like he was just born minutes ago.  Six.  I remember when I was this age like it was just the other day...and next month I will turn 35.
He starts kindergarten in a few weeks and I'd by lying if I didn't admit my heart is breaking just a little bit.  He is my only boy and one of the sweetest souls in our house (my girls are sweet too, but in a more creative way).  I know that the foundation of any child is layed at home, but based on experience I know that you cannot control the exposure of your child to other kids' behavior and my son is not a "reporter." He is quiet and his feelings are more guarded and reserved - unlike the girls.
When each of our kids turns 6 they get to go somewhere with one of us.  My Big Girl went to NYC with me and my son just got back fromSan Diego for his trip.  I missed the boys SO much - we all did.  I loved having some time with the girls, but I really missed having a full house.  Even my Big Girl said "I don't know why, but I really miss my brother."  I found myself just going into his room (yes, another part of his birthday gift from us) and just sitting on his bed.  What am I going to do when they go away to college?!?

The trip was good for my son and my husband.  I think they needed to have some male bonding outside of a house full of outspoken and bossy females.  I heard a lot of laughing and story telling.  I don't think my kids have ever talked to each other on the phone so nicely or so eagerly in their lives.  I'm glad it was a good time, but I'm also so glad they're back.