Friday, August 5, 2011

1/3 Life Crisis

I'm not sure what my deal is. It's summer and usually my favorite season...I really tried to give this idea of a positive and optimistic year a real shot. Today, I am failing miserablly at this and I'm overwhelmed by what I am unable to control.  My "Bucket List" seems to be growing instead of shrinking these past few years - which I think is probably a commonality amongst a lot of us.

I only have this one life and clearly I am not getting any younger.  More often than not lately, I've been looking in the mirror and have no idea who the frumpy face looking back at me is. My wardrobe has become matronly and the fine lines in my face, more pronounced. Warning:  Old lady talk coming... my blood pressure has been off the charts lately!  What next med's and a walker?  I've been trying to find avenues to relieve the anxiety and stress from the day - like roller derby, but I don't know if this alone will be solving my angst.

Maybe it was the boys being gone this week or that I'm in my budget season for work; maybe it's that I'm turning 35 next month and am stuck in some twisted 1/3 life crisis - which I'm hoping aleviates the mid-life one I've heard others talk about. Whatever it is, I don't know how much longer I can hold on to my sanity or my optimism that there REALLY is an end in sight to my crazy.
I always new in the pit of my stomach that five years at this job was the most realistic outcome for me. California, like a lot of other places in the country was slaughtered in the housing market and jobs are really tough to come by. I'm just about to hit my 4th year here and while I should be thankful for just working, my mind is CONSTANTLY racing to figure out how to get out of here. I know, I know, there are countless people who have it worse than me (I get it, mother!) - I'm not denying that, but that hasn't changed my brain's inability to focus on plotting my "escape."

It's NO secret that we're cramped in our modest house and I know that if I quit before we break ground on an addition that there is a great possibility that the addition will never happen. I've consistently stayed the line on this one - thinking I can hold on until this work is done. I have the checkbook out to start at the end of the year. But then I started thinking - how irresponsible of us financially?! F-It. Refocus on paying down the debt. After careful consideration and thoughtful prioritizing, I don't think I give a shit if have a small house. I just want US - as a family and as a unit to be happy...everything else will work out.

1 comment:

  1. couldn't agree more! our stuff has NOTHING to do with how happy we are. our kids don't care. they just want us. good stuff!