The White Flag

I give up.  I am yelling "Uncle."  I am finally waving the white flag of surrender.  I can't keep fighting for a life that doesn't exist anymore.  When I left my post as a stay-at-home mom, my little boy was still wearing diapers and my daughter was just starting preschool.  A lot has changed from then until now; I have changed from then to now. 

Just when I thought I had it all worked out in my head, last week happened and it was a tough one.  Last week is the closest I have ever come to being fired in my whole life - the kicker of it is, I wasn't even here on a day that the whole thing went to hell...

The nanny had called me to say she was throwing up.  I could just picture the sick dominoes falling at the house:  Nanny, then Baby, then Big Girl, then Little Man, then my husband and I which would create a sick wheel for weeks to come. My mother-in-law was working, my husband had football and that left me.  I raced out of work to head home.

When I left work, my phone still blew up all afternoon with work stuff.  I spend a great deal of time going through projects and gave direct and clear instruction on a situation that was on any given day no big deal, but apparently my staff did not follow directions and something small spiraled into a huge deal.  The next day when I came into work, little did I know just how bad they had screwed up and how much clean-up I'd be doing.  My boss and I both went up to meet with the Principal of a company who was set on describing - at length just how bad we'd screwed up.  At the end of  the entire ass-chewing, he looked at my boss and said "The only reason I am not escalating this any further is because of her" and he pointed at me and said "She is the best."  An otherwise awesome thing to hear, but preferably in a different context.  We breathed.  We were both not getting fired just yet.

Overall, I run a pretty easy going office and I do not thrive on ruling with a golden fist. But, if you blow it and not just in a "I'm a human, I make mistakes" sort of way, but big, then we're done. The staff walked on egg shells today and each of them came in an said their peace about what happened.  I hate pulling the supreme ruler card, but it had to be done and I'm hoping we're all better for it.

I thought a lot about what happened last week.  What I concluded is that every once in awhile it might be good to think you have something to lose - like you're job.  While I would love to not come to this place everyday, I'd prefer not to get fired over something stupid.  Last I checked, my family really needs me to hold onto this job and of all people to let down, it can't be them.  They are the most important; the reason I wake and rise every single day.  My fingers are crossed for a better week this time around...