Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Current Events

If you had not noticed, I took a break from writing these past few months. One reason amongst many is that I just couldn't find the few minutes to do so and when I did, it never seemed to be enough to convey what I was really feeling.  Work has been incredibly heavy and I just couldn't do one more thing.  Writing has always been an outlet for me, but the emotional roller coaster of the past few months has been more than I could expunge without a breather to gain some clarity.

One big change in our lives is that we let our Nanny of three years go.  This was incredibly hard for me - worse than any boyfriend/friend breakup I have ever had to do.  When I did it, she sobbed...hysterically.  She kept asking over and over if she'd done something because the end was so abrupt.  I only gave her one reason as to why we let her go and that was "for financial reasons."  I could not bear it if she tried to fight for a job I knew was gone for her.

We let our Nanny into our family and accepted as one of us - flaws and attributes.  I have never expected her to do things exactly as I would or even love my children as I would, but as a parent you know when something is not right - even if you cannot put your finger on it.  My gut told me it was time to make a change and to make it immediately.  In hindsight, I wish I would have done it sooner but it's done.  My kids are happy and healthy, so I know the experience was not necessarily a bad one for them. 

For the past few months, my husband and on occasion my mother-in-law have been watching the kids and it has been going well.  I'll venture out and even say it has been going great (for me at least).  A small miracle I never anticipated happening happened:  I stopped worrying all the time about what was going on at home and whether or not the kids were okay.  I had no idea how much anxiety I had over this until it was gone.  Even my husband won't do things exactly as I want, but I know he will genuinely love our kids and do his best to keep them safe.  He has a real investment in who they become, unlike a paid care provider.

The alleviation of the home anxiety has allowed for me to free myself of the mommy guilt I woke with daily.  I'm not saying I feel completely adequate all the time, because I don't but I do feel a great deal better than I have in the last 4+ years.  I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I don't hate my job.  I don't love it, but I don't loathe it like I did.

 The kids are all growing so fast.  My Big Girl is now 8 1/2, my Little Man is 6 1/2 and my little Itty-Bitty is not so itty anymore now that she just had her 3rd Birthday.  All the kids have quickly adjusted to not having the Nanny around - especially my spicy Big Girl who made it known she "never liked her in the first place."  Man, I love that kid for just laying it all out there.  I think it was tougher for my son who is incredibly loyal and my baby who still wants her shoes left out so the Nanny "can find them when we go to the park. "  Our kids need us to be there and I can already see the difference in their attitudes - in a good way.

I think I'm a better mom now than I was at the beginning of this year.  I still have things to work on, but I'm okay with this as long as there is progress. My goal this year was for things to be better and so far it has been.  I knew I wouldn't fix everything, but at least things are on the mend.  I'm never going to have enough time, the laundry will only all be done for 5 minutes (if I'm lucky) before the hamper begins to fill and I will inevitably forget to do something on a daily basis regardless of the crazy checklist I have.  I still want to quit by job, but at least for today I know if this doesn't happen, I'll be okay and so will the kids.