Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Help

OMG...I only have a few minutes before my morning meeting shows up, but I just finished my audio book, "The Help," on my way into work this morning and it was AMAZING.  It had all the things I love, southern flare, strong women and the overcoming of hardship.  No one in my office will care about any sort of books I read, so I had to yell "AMAZING" somewhere before my day got away from me.  I love good books...One that note, it's gotta be a good day today!!

Friday, March 16, 2012

Friday Odds & Ends

There is a fire that burns in my stomach this morning at a story I unwillingly read as it popped up on my Yahoo page first thing this morning.  It was a story about a Moroccan teen who committed suicide because she was forced to marry her rapist so her family would not be robbed of their honor by the loss of her virginity. I sat there for a few minutes then re-read the meat of the story to make sure I hadn’t missed something.  I hadn’t.  Now I don’t condone the taking of anyone’s life – just or unjust, but I don’t know that I would’ve been strong enough to make a different decision then this poor 16 year old girl.

Anyone who read this story should be outraged, but as a mother to two daughters I can’t imagine what that poor girl must have endured.  At 16 I was still dreaming of a big and glamorous life; of a life I had chosen on my own terms.  While I am not always satisfied with where life’s path has taken me, I will always take ownership of the path and concede it was always on my own terms.  Marrying my rapist would’ve never even crossed my mind…another reminder of how lucky I am - how lucky most of us are. 
I am relieved it is Friday and that there is enough rain to cancel our softball and baseball game obligations this weekend.  I’m even relieved to think my roller derby practice – which I love is cancelled due to the inclement weather and wet rink.  I need a few days of just silly rainy day movies and fun baking with my kids to release the pressures of everyday life.
It is only 9:30am and I’ve got one full cup of coffee down with a second brewing in the pot.  I can no longer see the top of my desk and it’s become a dumping ground of deadlines and post its.  I am looking forward to getting in my crappy little rental car (my normal car is in the shop) and listening to “The Help” all the way home.  The long commutes in and out of the city have been good solid listening time.  I hang on every word and every detail of the story.  I am ¾ of the way done and I’m on pins and needles to find out what happens to this bunch of ladies I’ve come to hold dear.  I cross my fingers the ending doesn’t ruin an otherwise amazing book…
Happy Friday everyone – hope you all enjoy your weekend as much as I hope to!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Rainy Blues

I don't know if it's the downpour of rain outside or if I just have a case of the blues this week.  My kids have been especially goofy the past few day- in a good way, but I think I've been missing them extra because of it. But then again, who doesn't want to run from bad kids...

All the kids are showing me just how much they silently take in what is said or going on around them.  My Little Man has especially been quirky lately.  He made a huge arrow and stuck it to the counter to point to his backpack - just in case we couldn't find it.  Baby woke up at 3:00am and went downstairs to watch TV only to fall asleep on the couch upside down.  Then there's my Big Girl.  Out of desperation for her to include her brother, I pulled the "God Card" telling her to go pray on it (the inclusion of her brother) awhile ti gain some divine intervention.  She responded- hands held up to the sky as in receipt - "God says to bring only Baby with us."  I left before she saw me laugh.  I don't know what it is...I just feel sadder than usual to leave them lately.

I went for a walk yesterday in the pouring rain to escape my office and I passed a sign in a window that read "Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not..."  I stopped at this window a good long time and just stared at the sign.  I would've looked like a lunatic in any other city than San Francisco where crazy is literally the norm.  I know I'm lucky to have what I do...I know I should just be grateful, but man am I having a hard time figuring out how to do this - and not for lack of trying.  I know I'm not the only person who doesn't like their job or desire to be somewhere - anywhere but here or who is tired.  I just don't know how to reconcile this down to a peaceful place.  If anyone has the answer, I am listening.

There are 140 days left until I hit my Drop Dead Date of when I wanted to quit this job.  I marked the calendar 225 days ago to keep me motivated.  Truthfully, in 140 days if my family cannot financially survive without me working then I'm not quitting and the rotation of the wheel will continue.  I don't even want to think about my DDD...

Today might be the only day I look forward to the long and wet commute home.  I think I need the calm - or at least as calm as bumper to bumper traffic can be, to quiet my head.  I'll decompress by listening to one of the best audio books I've listened to in a long time, The Help, so by the time I walk in my house, my family has a better me.  Seriously, what would I do without audio books!

Stay dry - go hug your family!

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Today is not my Friend.

Today is one of those days you just want to cry and wallow in self-pity.  If one more person says anything to me about "living in the moment" or "life is too short" or you don't get yesterday back, or anything along those lines, well,  I'm going to lose it.  Seriously, like I don't wake up and go to bed thinking about my depleting mortality and how I'm going to beat it.  Please... 

I think we all have that one person we're forced to work with whom we loathe.  I have a few of these, but one in particular drives me CRAZY.  It's like she settles in and fires off email after email for sport- all of which I just want to provide answers to (and I DON'T answer to her, by the way) just to get it out of my mail box.  I am compelled to squash this woman's insistence on demanding answers to things she's not entitled to.  We are cordial, but we do not like each other.  We would never be friends and I will never voluntarily go that "extra mile" for her.  Ever.  Of course she works in the tech field...It seems this particular field is far more prolific in the birthing of those with entitlement issues in the name of creativity and camaraderie.  Seriously, a free stocked food pantry and foo-foo beverages is not a right; respect the privilege.  Barf.

I have now missed my opportunity to go to lunch since half of my staff is out sick.  My fingers have been so frantic typing all morning, they actually feel like they are cramping.  At this point with my work load far exceeding any possible completion possibility, I sit at my desk in my office listening to movie soundtracks on Pandora, bitching via blog and watching my neighboring building tenants running to manage their own frantic lives.  Clearly I don't have the time to look out and create my own "Rear Window" like stories, but I do in an effort to survive what today has become.  Shit.

Today is a lottery buying day.  I have $4 in my wallet and you know where this is going...cross your fingers for me - I'll do the same for you  :-)

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Growing Pains

My baby started preschool last month.  I needed to give it a bit to actually wrap my head around the fact that my last baby started school.  I know, I know, it's just preschool but it's a day you don't think will arrive as soon as it does.  The good news is that it started off really well.  We all took time off to, as a family, send Baby on her way to her first day.  My Little Man held her hand and my Big Girl hugged her and left her with a kiss in her new classroom.  Both kids made a big deal out of how lucky she was to have such a fun playground and exciting classroom.  I loved them a little more that day for being so kind to her.

The bad news is that the novelty of getting to go to school has worn off.  For the last week she has cried about having to go.  During quiet time with just the two of us I asked why she didn't want to go anymore.  Wasn't it fun?  Doesn't she like her new friends?  Her answer was simple - and one I completely understand.  "I just miss home..."  I hug her and tell her that home will always be waiting for her and that we love her.  My heart broke a little bit for her...

As parents, we know our kids are going to inevitably going to grow up but no amount of knowledge prepares you for those stepping stones that solidify it is really happening.  Our lives have been so busy with sports and school and just stuff that there are days I wake up and wonder how my kids grew up and I'm not sure how it happened or where the last 10 years of my life went for that matter. 

For the last five years I have struggled with where I'm supposed to be in my life versus where I actually am.  I've bombarded my brain with books on CD to try and conquer the anxiety I constantly feel.  I highly recommend books where someone else's life is substantially worse than yours...It's pathetic, but it helps.  I know I'm not a bad mother for working, but I know I'm not great either.  I get close to making peace with the fact I'm destined to be a long-commuting, over-scheduled, tired working mother, but then I can never seal the deal on this.  The finality of accepting that this is as good as it gets is more than I can grasp.

I am a hopeless daydreamer...I still believe I can win the lottery, that I will conquer motherhood, that I will run another marathon, that I could someday wear a bikini (though I will DENY this), that I will win an Oscar for my brilliant screen-play, that I can be a real competitor at roller derby, that I can conquer the gray in my hair and the new fine lines near my eyes and that one day I will be a stay-at-home mom again.  The grown-up in me knows that there may only be a few of these things that are realistically achievable, but it doesn't matter to me.  It's scarier to think that none of these are achievable than to settle for just one.  It comes down to that tiny, lingering, sliver of hope which has been both a blessing and a disappointment.  Hope.  I wish I could let it go, but I can' least for today.