All the kids are showing me just how much they silently take in what is said or going on around them. My Little Man has especially been quirky lately. He made a huge arrow and stuck it to the counter to point to his backpack - just in case we couldn't find it. Baby woke up at 3:00am and went downstairs to watch TV only to fall asleep on the couch upside down. Then there's my Big Girl. Out of desperation for her to include her brother, I pulled the "God Card" telling her to go pray on it (the inclusion of her brother) awhile ti gain some divine intervention. She responded- hands held up to the sky as in receipt - "God says to bring only Baby with us." I left before she saw me laugh. I don't know what it is...I just feel sadder than usual to leave them lately.
I went for a walk yesterday in the pouring rain to escape my office and I passed a sign in a window that read "Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not..." I stopped at this window a good long time and just stared at the sign. I would've looked like a lunatic in any other city than San Francisco where crazy is literally the norm. I know I'm lucky to have what I do...I know I should just be grateful, but man am I having a hard time figuring out how to do this - and not for lack of trying. I know I'm not the only person who doesn't like their job or desire to be somewhere - anywhere but here or who is tired. I just don't know how to reconcile this down to a peaceful place. If anyone has the answer, I am listening.
There are 140 days left until I hit my Drop Dead Date of when I wanted to quit this job. I marked the calendar 225 days ago to keep me motivated. Truthfully, in 140 days if my family cannot financially survive without me working then I'm not quitting and the rotation of the wheel will continue. I don't even want to think about my DDD...
Today might be the only day I look forward to the long and wet commute home. I think I need the calm - or at least as calm as bumper to bumper traffic can be, to quiet my head. I'll decompress by listening to one of the best audio books I've listened to in a long time, The Help, so by the time I walk in my house, my family has a better me. Seriously, what would I do without audio books!
Stay dry - go hug your family!