Monday, May 14, 2012

Monday

All I wanted for Mother's Day was a card and a "Happy Mother's Day" from my family.  I don't care about fancy gifts or expensive tributes.  I should have known better...

The Friday before, I took some time off work to stop into classrooms for celebrations.  My Little Man was a Little Jerk to me and I don't know why.  When asked to "help serve your mother a muffin" his response was "I don't like anything" and "Can't you just do it yourself?" It was a proud parenting moment for me as I watched all the other kids happy their mom's had come to their Mommy and Me Tea.  He has been so mean to me these past few weeks and I honestly have no idea what I did to him to deserve it.  I've asked several times and the answers have ranged from "You're the meanest mom in the world and I hate you!" to "I wish you had never made me born."  Crushing, but worse than that is I don't know how to make him his old happy self.  Right now I'm having flashes of an adolescent dressed in all black with a hoodie smoking pot in the back alley of the school.

Saturday was occupied by softball and baseball followed by my little sister's 30th birthday party which ended earlier than I'd like because everyone was approaching a massive melt down - and my husband had some softball banquet so I was on my own.

Sunday, Mother's Day, was the icing on the cake.  My baby girl rolled out of bed at 4:45am and cut her forehead open.  We rushed her to the ER and she was the lucky recipient of 10 stitches--oh and a concussion.  Everyone was grumpy and mean.  At one point I wrangled the two big kids and asked them to please stop talking so mean to not just me but to each other. I even pulled the "It's Mother's Day - could you please do this for me today!?" My Big Girl gave a half-hearted apology and my son said "I don't think it's fair you have your own day. Where's my day?" I believe that sums it up.  The rest of the day just fell apart... 

Let me tell you that the Facebook postings of everyone's fantastic and pampered day just about caused my phone to fly out the window; how loved they felt, how great their day was, all the thank you's to their "wonderful husbands."  AWESOME.  I will concede I was a Bitter Betty and I'm actually happy for all of them, but it was just salt in the wound.  I finally had to make the decision to tune out any status notifications.

Out of everyone, my baby was the kindest to me on Mother's Day.  She hugged me, gave me a magnet photo she made at school and told me "Happy Mother's Day."  She is spirited, but she is also the kindest sweetest little girl a mommy could ever hope for.  She had every reason to have a bad day, but she didn't.  If not for her kindness, I honestly think I may have lost it yesterday.  

My Big Girl caught me in my room before she was going to bed that night and asked me what was wrong.  At first I just brushed her off, but then I just gave her the truth.  I told her I was a little bit hurt that she didn't behave very well today and that I wish I would've just gotten a hug or Happy Mother's Day to show she appreciates everything I do for her.  She wrapped her arms around me and gave me the most solid hug I'd gotten in a long time.  She gave me a real apology and told me she loved me.

I don't need a lot Maybe we need to prompt those we love to remember we need to be taken care of too sometimes - not all the time, but sometimes...

A Mother's Day I won't forget.


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Yippee for Me...NOT

I received my client’s “report card” this week and it was a good one.  So good in fact, my CFO called me giddy and told me to print this and put it in my resume file because my achievements and marks were some of the highest they have ever seen and that I want to hold onto that.  "Great" I think and follow her instruction and try to share in her excitement over it all.  The fact that I am excelling in the work place is fantastic.  I should be thrilled at the confirmed job security and I should be patting myself on the back for a job well done.  I should be proud of this…

But I am not.  It felt great for about 2 hours before the shit storm of work came crashing down around me.  My bosses know that I do a great job, but truthfully, they have no idea what I go through to make sure this happens.  The negotiations, the stroking of egos, the balancing of personalities in the staff, the long hours, the forfeiture of lunch, my carefree (phone call free) evenings, scheduling and oversight of all the balls constantly up in the air.  If anything, I feel like this achievement solidifies that I am a failure in the areas most important to me…as a mother and a wife…with derby a far distant 3rd place.  Those most important areas of my life are also the ones that HAVE to burden the flexibility needed to consistently be on top of my job – and to compile it all, I stay on top of my work to ensure I can take care of my VIP’s.  It’s a catch-22…

Thank goodness for audio books because without them – and this is literally the truth, I don’t think I could make it.  I’m on the Hunger Games trilogy now and they are so amazing, I have no choice but to surrender my reality for a few hours each day to escape into my beloved fictionalized world.

Friday cannot come soon enough…