Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Happy Birthday

Today is the day I had set as my line in the sand for my job.  Last night I got the email that said I did not get the high school teaching position I had applied for.  I think because it took them so freaking long to tell me, I had already worked out all my anxiety.  Oddly enough, I'm actually okay with not getting the job, but I just hate that I'm still in this job.

The upside to today is that it's my little boy's 7th Birthday.  I remember going into labor with him like it was yesterday.  It was the middle of the night and I woke up thinking I had wet myself in the night and it was hot.  I remember scooping up my Big Girl and thinking how can I have another baby when my baby is still a baby...

It's funny how so much and so little have changed over the course of the last 7 years.  Just as my son was born, I was quitting this profession for the first - and I thought final time.  I was both thrilled and overwhelmed by the thought of having two kids and being a stay-at-home mom.  Fast forward seven years and I'm back where I started, loathing the same job just as much, just more successful at it this time around.

I'm so proud of my little boy.  He is so kind and thoughtful, patient and focused.  He's a very reserved boy, so when you get a hug from him you know he really means it.  To think I only wanted little girls...if seven years has taught me anything it's that I was wrong about little boys.  His hugs, his "I love you's," his toothless smiles and his contagious giggles are worth staying at a job I hate if it means taking care of him and the girls.  As long as he grows up to be a good man, I will have accomplished my most important job of all as his mommy.

Happy Birthday, Little Man!  I love you to the moon and back.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Fast as a Snail

I went on the interview and it was fine.  It was my second one and I think I was past the jitters.  There were supposed to let me know last week where I stood, but they pushed it to the end of this week.  Clearly there is no urgency on their part.  Here's the problem...

I would LOVE this job, but now that I've had a FEW WEEKS to sit on it and contemplate the salary cut, I'm not sure I can justify sending our family into financial ruin just because I'm a wienie and hate my job.  I've got other meetings for other positions set up in the meantime, but there is nothing out there I'm super excited about.  I can see the toll this purgatory I subject myself to has had on me.  I look tired.  I've gained weight.  I take a handful of pills before I go to bed. I'm stuck...

To top it all off, last week's humiliation pie, served right up, by ME was enough to drive a girl to drink.  I am always the only female in meetings and was invited to tour and go to lunch.  Whatever, no problem.  Now, I've been running around in this town with heels on for sometime now - even pregnant, so I'm pretty comfortable on my toes.  For whatever reason, my balance was off and I must have tripped three times before completely eating it during my client's visit.  Yep.  I rolled my ankle and fell right there on the sidewalk, flanked by my client, my boss and two other gents.  I would've probably recovered in a cat-like manner if my boss hadn't YELLED "Oh my GOD!" which caused the other three people - and everyone else on the street to stop and see me on all 4's - OH and I was wearing a skirt.  For the record, Spanx do more than just suck in all your bits and pieces.  They protect you from flashing your panties if you eat shit in a skirt.  HUMILIATING.

I've now been limping for 3 days and although it's getting better, it serves as a reminder that I am lame.  I think the "Pity" gods were on my side this morning because as I was driving to work, I saw a woman with coffee, pastry and lap top bag totally fall, then literally roll on the sidewalk.  Only one woman stopped to ask if she needed help.  One guy in a suit glanced over, before nearly breaking into a run - literally.  JERK.  I think that was supposed to make me feel like I'm not alone, but all it did is make me feel bad for the poor lady.

This can't be as good as life gets:  one ankle roll from flashing my panties.  Something has to change and God knows I'm trying...Can't someone just tell me what to do; tell me what the right answer is?  I want someone else to think about all of this, but I know it has to be me who saves me. 

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Go Time

In five hours I go in for an interview for a job I want, but can't afford to take.  My stomach has been in knots for days now.  "Do I?" or "Don't I?" have been the only two questions my conscience has been able to address.  It's a waste to even ask "What's for dinner?" because the response might be "How much will that cost?"  How the hell am I going to afford a 65% pay cut? 

When I think about the big picture, I think I've worked so hard to get right here.  I have come to realize that on my steady climb up a ladder to a career I never really wanted,  I never stopped to consider what "here" meant.  In my mind, "here" simply meant that I'm okay - financially.  But, I am so far from being okay on a mental level.  If there is such a thing as a 1/4 life crisis, well, I think I'm in the crux of it.

I have never wanted anything more in my adult life than to be a part of my kids' lives.  The mommy guilt was awful for me when they were babies.  I always felt like they wouldn't know how much I loved them by leaving them.  My Big Girl is now 9 years old and surprise, surprise, she knows how much I love her.  She fought the hardest to keep me home with her, but has come to terms with the fact I have to work.  Dinner and bedtime are when we have the most productive conversations and in these moments I am seeing how much more she needs me now than ever before - even if she thinks she needs me less than ever before.

I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but this is my ONE shot to get it right; to give my everything to help guide my little people into successful, productive and compassionate human beings.  With my busy work season just around the corner, I feel like I am just one late night of work away from losing my kids on this front.  My kids don't need "things" my kids need parents and if I get this job, by God, this might be all they get.

Thankfully, my husband has been really supportive.  He has backed me on this crazy plight from day two.  He didn't have to either.  He wouldn't be in the wrong for telling me NO WAY.  But, he didn't and I have no doubt we'll be okay - however this thing goes.  The fact that I constantly have Pandora playing in the background only fuels my disposition to hope for the "movie" ending each new track seems to egg on.

Maybe the American Dream isn't really dead...I'm hopeful.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Forward Motion

Okay, so it's been a few weeks and it's still been pretty awful and awkward here at work since the boss meltdown.  Today was the first day he actually tried to make small talk with me, which I guess is a move in the right direction.  I wish I could get past the fact he might have been having a bad day, but I can't.  I've become that employee who does "just enough" and I have to say, it's awesome and really demoralizing all at the same time.  I hate those people and yet here I am.

I LOVED derby and I wasn't going to sit on the bench and take it from them and I'm certainly not going to take it from a grown man pitching a fit - regardless if I deserved it or not (which I didn't).  The good thing is that this whole thing has set a fire under me to move on.  My time in this city has run it's course.  I'm now on the verge of turning 36 years old and I hate the direction my career has taken me.  If my 30's have taught me anything, it's that YOU determine you're life - there's no one to blame but you if you don't like where you are. 

A recent conversation with my little sister, who has a demanding career, really put things into perspective .  On paper, her life is perfect.  She is in her late 20's, smart, beautiful, holds a fancy job title, makes a ton of money, has a door man and rubs elbows with celebs and socialites everywhere.  But, she is lonely and is constantly wound tight.  As her and I spent my commute commiserating about the pressure and "right" thing to do, I realized she is me in my 20's; so focused on validating myself though the success of my career.  I felt so sad for her...and then for myself for wasting so much time...

I took an interview last week for a position I didn't get, but still got a callback saying they were really impressed and that they were posting another position I may be better suited for.  I should interview next week.  This position is the next best thing to me being a stay-at-home mom for me.  That said, the salary is such a STEEP cut from what I make now, it's going to be a real creative challenge to make ends meet.    

I would be lying if I didn't admit that I'm really freaked out about taking the leap.  I've been fighting myself on the "responsible" versus "happy" choice I hope to be able to make.  How can I tell my sister to get a spine and fight for a life she wants if I cannot do the same?  I know it's cliche, but there really is NO dress rehearsal or do-overs in this life.  This is our one shot to make our life what we want and I'm going to try and make good on that.

I'll keep you posted...