Thursday, July 12, 2012

Go Time

In five hours I go in for an interview for a job I want, but can't afford to take.  My stomach has been in knots for days now.  "Do I?" or "Don't I?" have been the only two questions my conscience has been able to address.  It's a waste to even ask "What's for dinner?" because the response might be "How much will that cost?"  How the hell am I going to afford a 65% pay cut? 

When I think about the big picture, I think I've worked so hard to get right here.  I have come to realize that on my steady climb up a ladder to a career I never really wanted,  I never stopped to consider what "here" meant.  In my mind, "here" simply meant that I'm okay - financially.  But, I am so far from being okay on a mental level.  If there is such a thing as a 1/4 life crisis, well, I think I'm in the crux of it.

I have never wanted anything more in my adult life than to be a part of my kids' lives.  The mommy guilt was awful for me when they were babies.  I always felt like they wouldn't know how much I loved them by leaving them.  My Big Girl is now 9 years old and surprise, surprise, she knows how much I love her.  She fought the hardest to keep me home with her, but has come to terms with the fact I have to work.  Dinner and bedtime are when we have the most productive conversations and in these moments I am seeing how much more she needs me now than ever before - even if she thinks she needs me less than ever before.

I'm pretty sure I've said this before, but this is my ONE shot to get it right; to give my everything to help guide my little people into successful, productive and compassionate human beings.  With my busy work season just around the corner, I feel like I am just one late night of work away from losing my kids on this front.  My kids don't need "things" my kids need parents and if I get this job, by God, this might be all they get.

Thankfully, my husband has been really supportive.  He has backed me on this crazy plight from day two.  He didn't have to either.  He wouldn't be in the wrong for telling me NO WAY.  But, he didn't and I have no doubt we'll be okay - however this thing goes.  The fact that I constantly have Pandora playing in the background only fuels my disposition to hope for the "movie" ending each new track seems to egg on.

Maybe the American Dream isn't really dead...I'm hopeful.

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