Tuesday, April 2, 2013

The Change - Up

Ok.  I did it.  I went and got myself a new job.  My last day here is this Thursday.  I. AM. FREAKING. OUT.

I think I knew it had to happen once I let myself buy on to accepting the hand that was dealt to me.  I told my current company the typical reason of, "It's me, not you"  - the line you give when it's always NOT you.  My boss has been great and genuinely happy for me, I think.  He knew I couldn't get what I wanted here, so it came as no surprise when I made the decision to move on.

The freak out part:  It's been 5 1/2 years of the same and now I'm moving to a portfolio three times the size of my existing AND, wait for it.... I have a new title!  I know a title shouldn't get me all giddy like a school girl, but adding Vice President to my resume seems like a really good thing!  I'm scared of the change, but  I need to practice what I preach and walk the walk.

The icing on the cake is that it's Spring Break and my kids are happy, albeit LOUD.  Without jinxing it, I feel like we may have turned a corner with my Big Girl.  I feel like she's been genuinely trying to check her attitude or sassy comments lately and it has made my life easier.  She is excelling at sports and embodies all the busybody traits of what a 9, almost 10, year old should.  I love that she's a real kid still and not pressured by social influences...yet. She wears what she likes, regardless of its coolness, thinks regardless of the affect and still holds my hand and hugs me in public.  I'll never get tired of that...

My Little Man, who is barely "little" anymore, is the one jumping onto the sassy train.  He's always been such an easy tempered, peace keeping, kid so this new streak of antagonizing his sisters and talking back is a bit surprising.  I think he'll come around quicker than the girls in this department...fingers crossed.  He's a quiet one, so I'm not always sure how he feels about things.  But, I know he pays attention and files different things in his head because snippets of how something may have affected him come out in small talk conversations - sometimes six months later.  He's not gonna be a loud fighter like my girls, he's going to need those extra hugs from mom when no one else is looking.

My Baby Girl learned how to ride a bike with no training wheels a few weeks ago and she is UNSTOPPABLE.  She is the perfect blend of both of the other kids, but is still so special in her own right.  She's feisty and is learning early on that if she screams loud enough her siblings will fold and give her what she wants just to shut her up.  But then she'll hug both of them and tell them she loves them and will want to be their buddy again.  I didn't cry when the two older kids went to school, but this one might break me.  If I could keep her sweet cupcake self my little itty-bitty girl forever, I think I'd do it.  She loves so big...I hope this never changes.

I think me taking this job is going to be tough at first, but within the next 5 years it'll be the best move I made.  It allows my husband to breath a little more and also allows him to figure out his next steps without the financial pressure to work all the time.  The job will allow me to work from home on occasion without feeling guilty...working in sweats is SO underrated!  I'm also supposed to have a great staff who can hold the reigns if I want to take a vacation for a whole week, something I haven't done in about 6 years.  Hard or not hard, this is still going to be MY year, OUR year as a family, even though I struggle to hold onto this some days. The Optimist's shoes are feeling pretty comfy right now :).

Bonus:  Baseball season opened yesterday....GO SF GIANTS!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Hello, 2013!

A new year.  I am typically a pessimist by nature, but the prospect of a clean start in 2013 is so refreshing I’m almost willing to try on the optimist’s hat for a change.

2012 was a really hard year for me.  So much of our early life is spent with the confidence of feeling invincible.  Time had always felt like a huge savings account waiting for me to take my draw at my leisure for whatever I deemed.  Last year I had to admit to myself that I am no longer young enough to take frivolous draws from my life account by means of artery clogging food or working too long or playing with my kids “tomorrow” because I was too tired.  I had to face that just because I want my blood pressure to go down, it doesn’t.  And just because I don’t want to be overweight,  I won’t be.  I had to make life changes and it took me a good while to wrap my head around my actual mortality and not just the concept of it.  This was of course made even more important when I watched a man I work with have a heart attack and die.  The sadness of his family and the immense loss his five children feel daily is like hitting a wall and it became clear to me I did not want this for my family - ever.  I want longevity and great memories throughout my life – not just “once I retire” (or win the lottery for that matter).

This year has to be better than last year, both personally and professionally.  Work is crazy as usual and I don’t want to be here but I am and whining about it doesn’t change that (and you all know I’ve confirmed this).  Going to work is getting easier with the kids getting older and also knowing my husband is able to get to them if I can’t. For the last 5 years I have had no desire for promotion or career advancement.  My heart has been so busy aching to be with my family, I honestly couldn’t take on anything else.  I think I’ve also finally accepted that if I have to work, it’s time to stop treading water and go at it.  I recently shared my intentions to do this with my boss.  Unexpectedly, he was very supportive (considering I just told him I want his job) and he validated my work performance and agreed that I am ready to move into a bigger position.  We’ll see where this goes… 

As of this morning I have lost a total of 31 pounds.  I am down to one blood pressure medication which I think I’m ready to come off of, but will wait for my doctor to bless it.  I feel a lot better physiccally, but at the same time my plight to lose weight is all-consuming.  I wake up thinking about it and I go to bed thinking about it – every freaking day.  I count every calorie, I know the nutritional content of just about anything you can eat and if I don’t, I don’t eat it.  I haven’t lost any weight (except the damage done during the holidays)  for about a month and I am frustrated.  Tuesday, I signed up for the Disneyland Half-Marathon and I’m hoping this is the kick start I need to drop the last 30 20 pounds to meet my goal weight.

I am constantly telling my kids “you can only control your actions, not anyone else’s.”  This year is my year to make good on these words.  My fingers are crossed…