Thursday, January 24, 2013

Hello, 2013!

A new year.  I am typically a pessimist by nature, but the prospect of a clean start in 2013 is so refreshing I’m almost willing to try on the optimist’s hat for a change.

2012 was a really hard year for me.  So much of our early life is spent with the confidence of feeling invincible.  Time had always felt like a huge savings account waiting for me to take my draw at my leisure for whatever I deemed.  Last year I had to admit to myself that I am no longer young enough to take frivolous draws from my life account by means of artery clogging food or working too long or playing with my kids “tomorrow” because I was too tired.  I had to face that just because I want my blood pressure to go down, it doesn’t.  And just because I don’t want to be overweight,  I won’t be.  I had to make life changes and it took me a good while to wrap my head around my actual mortality and not just the concept of it.  This was of course made even more important when I watched a man I work with have a heart attack and die.  The sadness of his family and the immense loss his five children feel daily is like hitting a wall and it became clear to me I did not want this for my family - ever.  I want longevity and great memories throughout my life – not just “once I retire” (or win the lottery for that matter).

This year has to be better than last year, both personally and professionally.  Work is crazy as usual and I don’t want to be here but I am and whining about it doesn’t change that (and you all know I’ve confirmed this).  Going to work is getting easier with the kids getting older and also knowing my husband is able to get to them if I can’t. For the last 5 years I have had no desire for promotion or career advancement.  My heart has been so busy aching to be with my family, I honestly couldn’t take on anything else.  I think I’ve also finally accepted that if I have to work, it’s time to stop treading water and go at it.  I recently shared my intentions to do this with my boss.  Unexpectedly, he was very supportive (considering I just told him I want his job) and he validated my work performance and agreed that I am ready to move into a bigger position.  We’ll see where this goes… 

As of this morning I have lost a total of 31 pounds.  I am down to one blood pressure medication which I think I’m ready to come off of, but will wait for my doctor to bless it.  I feel a lot better physiccally, but at the same time my plight to lose weight is all-consuming.  I wake up thinking about it and I go to bed thinking about it – every freaking day.  I count every calorie, I know the nutritional content of just about anything you can eat and if I don’t, I don’t eat it.  I haven’t lost any weight (except the damage done during the holidays)  for about a month and I am frustrated.  Tuesday, I signed up for the Disneyland Half-Marathon and I’m hoping this is the kick start I need to drop the last 30 20 pounds to meet my goal weight.

I am constantly telling my kids “you can only control your actions, not anyone else’s.”  This year is my year to make good on these words.  My fingers are crossed…